“Tears, misery, loneliness, scars, and pain. All hidden behind a simple “I’m fine.”
Recently, I had a rough couple of days. Not rough in a physical sense, but more on an emotional & spiritual sense. Some people who know me well, are probably thinking … REALLY!?!?! What’s up with that?
I can hear them saying …….. “He NEVER has a bad day!!!”
And, I don’t have a lot of bad days, but sometimes things build up and WHAM, I’m spiraling out of control emotionally. Yet, if asked, “I’m FINE”!!
I know I do this …… it is so easy to hide our lives behind a simple “I’m fine”. No matter how I am feeling, how emotional I am, how much or how little I hurt …… I’m fine!
I know when other people use it as well. Nobody ever quite believes you.
I know it’s easier this way. First, we don’t want to be a burden on anyone. Going through what I went through four and half years ago during my life’s transformation (i.e. Heart Transplant) was a lifetime of burden in a short period of time for my family and friends.
It’s also defense mechanism that saves a lot of time trying to explain precisely what is going on in my mind, or with my body. If you can explain it.
Yeah, I know it’s not healthy in a number of respects but what a lot of people, even those close to me, don’t understand is that I think, act, behave a bit differently due to my heart transplant journey.
Outwardly, I may look the same …. well, OK, I’m older, more gray, a bit thinner …… but I don’t think the same. There are a lot of scars not only on my body, but on my mind as well. The trauma my body went through, the reality of the nearness of death, , the medicines I take and truly knowing how short and precious life can is ……….. all have changed me.
People that knew the “old” me (original version) think I’m the exact same person now as I was before I had my fast and furious journey to a heart transplant. But, I’m not, and it’s hard to tell people close to me certain things. Things that are different between the old me and the new me …… so I bottle them up. Internalize!
Oh, I’ve tried many, many times …… but no one believes me …… I’m still the same guy I that I was in their minds.
Life for me now is more about caring, sharing, charity, volunteering, living life, smiling, laughing, taking care of myself, helping others ….. I don’t need the drama, the stress, the drive to make money and own/buy “stuff”. I have no real use for most of the “stuff” in this new, wonderful life that I’ve been given.
Thankfully, I have a very good friend that knows me well and I can unload some of the crap, the pressure, the gunk that is in between my ears ……. so I can truly say, “I’M FINE”!!
After lots of thought, I kind of figured out, to a degree, how I get in this negative place from time to time. Maybe I can prevent myself from coming to that negative place for a LONG time?
First, I lose sight of my own personal faith. I start forget to ALWAYS be grateful for all those small things, good or not, in my life. To be thankful for all the wonderful people who make up my life, that I owe so much to. I let little worries fester into out of control anguish.
Secondly, I lose focus and patience on my life’s path …… where I want to be headed and why I believe I was given this second chance at life. I lose sight of God’s plan for me. The reason I was given my second chance ….. to help others on this journey of LIFE.
Lastly, I felt, at times, that I had no one that could possibly understand what I was thinking, why I was hurting …. yet, the answer was right in front of me….. a close friend that knew exactly what I was going through. I do feel so much better knowing that I have a confidant that has my back, allows me to vent …..
I now have regained my faith, I’m refocused, and I know have a wonderful friend’s shoulder.
And, I need to remember this quote ~ “Be kind, for EVERYONE you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
So ….. I can safely and honestly say, “I’M FINE!!”
(Whether you believe it or not)